Image

I think I just realized that the reason I have always worn the clothes I have is because I am embarrassed to be seen as 'trying'. It's the same reason I never approach girls myself, I don't want to be seen to be trying, because I don't want to take the risk that in trying, I might fail. I've always worn clothes that are obvious and extremely ostentatious – bright, colourful, obnoxious – but never actually 'good'. By wearing the clothes I have worn I've been unknowingly crying, “I am afraid to try to look good, but pay attention to me anyway!” I have a wardrobe full of random rags and sirens that bear no relation to eachother, or to who I want to be. What the fuck? How am I only just realizing this now? How have I lived five years of my life like this? I need to learn how to dress myself in a way that expresses who I want to be, and be seen to be, rather than just a klaxon blaring out into the world pleading people to look in my direction and see, “ooooh, look at that, nothing in particular...”

Eugh. I feel embarrassed right now, trying to change. Like people will look at me and laugh piteously at my attempts at betterment. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Logically I know no one's looking, but that's a hard fact to honestly come to terms with... I'll try and change anyway, and convince myself that it's to spite them.

Peace, Taco.