Funds,
funds, funds. Always funds. Money on my mind. I need to figure out a
way to make my mind less cluttered. Next Tuesday I'm going to start
meditation classes at some place in Fitzroy whose name I have
forgotten and am too frazzled to look up right now. I'm really looking
forward to it. I need some focus in my brain, because right now, and
lately a lot, all of my thoughts come at once, and it's paralysing.
It isn't that bad yet, but I can tell it's only going to get worse
unless I act.
This is something that a lot of people around me have talked about – being bogged down in the mire of too-many-tasks-to-do-not-enough-time-to-do-them-in-too-much-time-spent-thinking-fuck-now-it's-Wednesday... I never used to be able to understand what the problem was when I would sit in my friend Sam's living room with the lights off and a piece of paper and pen, waiting for him to dictate to me the tasks of the day, his mind helplessly cluttered with thoughts strewn wild by damaging drug use. “Why the fuck can't we just START something?!” I remember thinking, every second of every day spent by his side. But now I'm beginning to understand. It's hard.
I don't want to start listing the things that I have to do here, lest this post be reduced to a mere shopping list of thoughts, but then again it's tempting... because I have to pay this thing and that thing and get money and do invoices and... AGH! NO!!
It's hard to catch myself, but when I do, I do it with all my consciousness, so that instead of thinking about doing this or that thing, I'm thinking about not thinking about doing this or that thing. Still useless thoughts, more and more mud in the swamp. More wading to do. Hours fly by and I manage to free an arm, a leg, but only at the expense of losing the other two.
“Maybe I should go get lunch... get outside for a bit... that always helps, to START the day by venturing out... just abandon the tasks left remaining, cut your losses.”
These internal monologues are dangerous, because if dwelt upon too long, they can become their own tasks, and the absent mind stares out through glazed-over eyes into space, accomplishing nothing.
So what am I doing right now? I had a shower maybe two hours ago (judging from how dry my hair is, rather than any actual recollection of time), and after that I sat down at my computer and sent out a bunch of messages booking acts for the Rochester in January 2014. About five minutes ago I put on my jacket and shoes for the day, but since writing this post – as my mind is never completely focussed on one individual thing – I have realised that I need to report online to Centrelink and invoice my boss to get paid this week... they both lead to more things. No, no no no no. Concentrate. I have more time after this, some of which I will use to walk down to Lentil as Anything and get a meal for which I will pay around $1.50 because I'm poor. My door still doesn't have a lock on it, the smoke detectors beep all night, I need a light for the fixture on my roof.
I think the ultimate danger is having too much time. If I absolutely have to do something and only have a limited amount of time, then I'll find a way to make it happen. But right now I have about four hours and no urgent tasks other than eating, so I find ways to sit around and do nothing, wasting the time. Wasting it. God damn it, look at me go.
I am starting meditation on Tuesday. I am starting meditation on Tuesday. I am starting meditation on Tuesday. Next Tuesday, that is. It looks like a paradise island, somewhere off in the distance. Please save me from myself, I need calm thoughts, because right now, and every day always, I feel like I'm drowning.
Peace, Taco.
This is something that a lot of people around me have talked about – being bogged down in the mire of too-many-tasks-to-do-not-enough-time-to-do-them-in-too-much-time-spent-thinking-fuck-now-it's-Wednesday... I never used to be able to understand what the problem was when I would sit in my friend Sam's living room with the lights off and a piece of paper and pen, waiting for him to dictate to me the tasks of the day, his mind helplessly cluttered with thoughts strewn wild by damaging drug use. “Why the fuck can't we just START something?!” I remember thinking, every second of every day spent by his side. But now I'm beginning to understand. It's hard.
I don't want to start listing the things that I have to do here, lest this post be reduced to a mere shopping list of thoughts, but then again it's tempting... because I have to pay this thing and that thing and get money and do invoices and... AGH! NO!!
It's hard to catch myself, but when I do, I do it with all my consciousness, so that instead of thinking about doing this or that thing, I'm thinking about not thinking about doing this or that thing. Still useless thoughts, more and more mud in the swamp. More wading to do. Hours fly by and I manage to free an arm, a leg, but only at the expense of losing the other two.
“Maybe I should go get lunch... get outside for a bit... that always helps, to START the day by venturing out... just abandon the tasks left remaining, cut your losses.”
These internal monologues are dangerous, because if dwelt upon too long, they can become their own tasks, and the absent mind stares out through glazed-over eyes into space, accomplishing nothing.
So what am I doing right now? I had a shower maybe two hours ago (judging from how dry my hair is, rather than any actual recollection of time), and after that I sat down at my computer and sent out a bunch of messages booking acts for the Rochester in January 2014. About five minutes ago I put on my jacket and shoes for the day, but since writing this post – as my mind is never completely focussed on one individual thing – I have realised that I need to report online to Centrelink and invoice my boss to get paid this week... they both lead to more things. No, no no no no. Concentrate. I have more time after this, some of which I will use to walk down to Lentil as Anything and get a meal for which I will pay around $1.50 because I'm poor. My door still doesn't have a lock on it, the smoke detectors beep all night, I need a light for the fixture on my roof.
I think the ultimate danger is having too much time. If I absolutely have to do something and only have a limited amount of time, then I'll find a way to make it happen. But right now I have about four hours and no urgent tasks other than eating, so I find ways to sit around and do nothing, wasting the time. Wasting it. God damn it, look at me go.
I am starting meditation on Tuesday. I am starting meditation on Tuesday. I am starting meditation on Tuesday. Next Tuesday, that is. It looks like a paradise island, somewhere off in the distance. Please save me from myself, I need calm thoughts, because right now, and every day always, I feel like I'm drowning.
Peace, Taco.
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