Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Hard Things Are Hard

Right now, for maybe the first time ever, I don't have a girl in my life, or any sort of open romantic attachment to anyone. Also, coincidentally, this week I feel strange.

I think I need to maintain this feeling... well, not maintain it, not cultivate it and hope for it to stay, because it doesn't feel good, it's not a positive feeling and it certainly isn't giving me energy at all. But I need to actively feel it, force myself to feel it. For my show '36 Hours' that I've been writing for the festivals I'm doing next year, I wrote the line;
“Once I decided to find the pain inside me that I'd been trying to run from and just experience it, I found that there actually wasn't that much there – at least, not so much that I couldn't handle it.”
I was really happy with myself the day I wrote that line, I think it speaks to something very true in my life, and hopefully in the lives of other people. I feel like it's something that I need to keep in mind right now.

What is probably going on here, is that for as long as I have been running around and chasing girls, I've been simply trying to distract myself from my essential loneliness. Oh... I mean, I'm not actually lonely... maybe that would be better as, my fear of being lonely. I'm afraid of being alone, of feeling alone, of feeling sadness that comes from being alone, so I try to plug that up with temporary human distractions, but then those people end up turning away from me because they know or at least sense that I am doing just that: using them as a distraction. It's a pretty selfish way to be, but it's not such a bad thing, I don't think. I'm not beating myself up over it, I just think it's important to acknowledge that that's what I've been doing so that I can put a stop to it.

I read something else yesterday with the title, “I don't think marriage is for me”. Classic mislead – the article was about this guy who's been married for a couple years admitting that he'd been a little selfish in his marriage, and that marriage isn't for him, it should never be for you, it should be for the other person. That goes with all relationships... but I think I've been living and thinking of my relationships with everyone around me in terms of what they can do for me, and that's why they continue to become stale and unfulfilling.

So what can I do from here, right now? Other than say, “I pledge to be more mindful of other people and to treat others with respect in my interactions with them every day.” Wouldn't that be be hilariously hollow... I don't know, like practically, I don't know. I don't know what this means or how I can change my actions to reflect this new realization.

I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know...

I wonder how many times I would have to write that before the letters would line up with the top line again? It'd be different once published on my blog, because the margin is different. I've stopped introspecting now, I guess I thought it all sounded way too hard.

I'm trying guys. I promise.

Peace, Taco.

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